★I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn‘t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
★I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
★Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
★The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it‘s still on the list.
★Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you can‘t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
★We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
★I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
★Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening‘, and then proceed to tell you why it isn‘t.
★Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
★If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
★Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
★I didn‘t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
★Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
★开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。