A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce.”I don‘t understand,”He said,”Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?”
the husband explained “Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died.”
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. “All who want to go to heaven, please rise.” Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering “Be seated”, the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, “All those who want to be with the devil, please rise.”
Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit , “Well, sir,” he said, “I don‘t know what we‘re voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.”
Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year.
Customer: Good gracious! In a year?
Palmist: Yes, but I can‘t say in which.